"My Thoughts"

Monday, June 02, 2008

Positive Attitude

Positive Attitude or Negative attitude

I know that trying to focus on the positives in life and that God has given me is important and I am trying (& in general doing better with this), however I am not sure that many well intentioned and some less well intentioned persons truly understand how difficult this can be at times.

First though I would like to thank those who are truly trying to help me with acknowledging the many positive such as three beautiful and healthy children and some caring persons at my church.
I appreciate my sister (Jan) and friend (Roger) for praying with me and others simply keeping me in prayer as well those who send me positive and uplifting readings (such as John).

Unfortunately many less persons (such as an adults Pastor at a church I attended in LA) have made statements such as “so not come to come to church unless you can come with a smile on your face”.
What is hard to get past are the often nightly and occasional daytime nightmare/premonitions that are often very accurate which show all my failures and show many future failures and tragedies. Add to this that so many friends continue to believe rumors about me such as being a failure in business and life, having the wrong intentions when helping others, and even that all my problems are do to failing God.
I cannot help but believe these rumors my self when I get abandoned left and right and when such basics as looking like a “real” man (I weigh less than even most thin women of similar height) despite so many weight gain attempts over the years. Both my current wife (with the help of her “boyfriend during an affair) and my ex-wife have added to this feeling of inadequacy via statements and actions.

God has very often put in on my heart to at the least pray for others (even in the middle of the night) and often go further and try and help them in various ways. Yet even here my motives have usually been brought into question going so far as to saying that “I wanted in their pants” (referring to a few women/girls I attempted to help).
It has also been stated that I was not using discernment when helping these persons, yet this too is not true as when persons have come into my life that had no intention of letting me help them help themselves I would NOT generally do much here (Daniel D as an example).

Even those that I received many accusations of bad intentions and other stupid charges have showed selflessness such as when Tammy (whom MANY have criticized my helping) did the right thing on two occasions and my prayers are still often with her family.

Then there are those such as the Owen family that have talked trash about me and showed hate towards me despite my HELPING keep their daughter around without even trying to check the facts.
What is funny about them is that they are ex-Mormons and along with other ex-Mormons I have met seem to have more hate in them which certainly makes me wonder (at least based on the “knowing them by their fruit”) who is truly serving God; Mormons or Evangelicals?
Based on my experiences with many here in this town such as Loren and her church (Calvary Crossroads), others at Bethany Baptist in LA, even simple but discernable gestures such as avoiding me and being distant when in my company I certainly have to question who really has Jesus in their heart.

The preceding is just a small sample of what I deal with weekly and it is hard to be positive while dealing with this and despite my sisters good intentions that I should look to God for affirmation, what I read when looking at the Bible in context and as a whole is that God often and usually speaks though people, making all this hate directed at me by persons of Evangelical beliefs hard to take and then be positive about. A key verse (among many) is to “Love the Lord God with all your heart and your neighbor as yourself”.
Despite my trying to place others first (often in quiet as the Bible asks), when I do get feedback (and yes I know this is NOT the reason for doing what is right) it is generally negative.
One person I gave moral, financial, and a roof over their head stated at one time; “they would never forget me the rest of their life”, yet this person along with their spouse has viciously attacked me after buying into the lies and rumors.

Just the other day, a person I know who works at a daycare was noting how she gets so many past daycare kids that would later thank her and invite her to their graduations; I could not help but think that this would be so uplifting to hear a similar show of thanks. What is especially noteworthy is this same person could NOT handle the care of my son whom I have to deal with his care 24/7 (which in his first couple years was extremely tough, broke my wife mentally, and left us isolated from others).

As to business, although this is finally doing better as of this post, it is up mostly due to sales of after market parts such as UV bulbs.

The products that I recommend such as T2 lights, Wonder Shells, VA M200 filters and MANY more still remain flat, yet when I go down to LA to pick up supplies I often talk to my ex-brother in law (Gregg) who owns my old service business and he tells me how well these products work and how that his customers trust him and take his word and make these purchases (often at vastly higher prices than I sell them on the internet).
Add to this that I only sold my business (at a fraction of its value) and my modest home in LA to pay off debts incurred by my wife (during a several year hidden debt spending spree and later with the help of a predator that took advantage of her postpartum depression).
Also I left my business in LA to remove my family (especially Michelle and Jodie) from continued potential harmful influences (from this person in particular).
Now we live in a 1920s shack that passes for a house (a contractor told us that repairing this house would be a waste of time and it should be bull dozed) while other continue to stab me in the back.

Here are links to a few of these before mentioned aquarium/pond products I sell:
*UV Replacement Bulbs:
*T2 Aquarium Lights, Lighting:
*Wonder Shells, mineral blocks; Regular & Medicated

Back to my blog post:
This is VERY discouraging as I have written so many articles backing up what I say with more scientific proof than the common anecdotal BS common on the internet and these articles come up well in search engines, YET I get little or no sales and little or no respect in most aquatic forums (with the exception of Everything Aquatic). It is hard not to be very depressed when I work so many hours in research and helping others with their problems, sell what I know works, YET still cannot pay my bills with this business.
This town has really been hard on my business with total disrespect for me, although I am no longer wasting my time in community forums promoting it either.

In summary, yes there are blessing in my life and I am still trying my best, but with all the failures (or perceived failures by many), lack of genuine physical attraction in my marriage towards me and hate directed my way by so-so many it is very hard to be positive and these problems literally continue on a daily basis.
An example that I thought of is this; let’s say I was a dwarf born into a society of tall persons that live in a society of based solely on basketball and everything about basketball. I am useless to what most persons there see as to what is important and even though I still may enjoy some of the fruits of this society, I am still viewed and treated like less than a normal human in this society (by most). This is how my life is on a daily basis and it is often hard to take!

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