Views on the Book of James

My Views on the Book of James

First let me start out by stating that although I read the Bible much, listen to varied sermons, etc. I am NOT a biblical expert, so these are simply as the blog title states, “My Thoughts”.

What I do know is that the Book of James is different from the other Epistles and Gospels of the New Testament, and is more akin to Ecclesiastes or Proverbs of the Old Testament.
As well during the Reformation, many such as Marin Luther wanted this book left out of Scripture. Here are Martin Luther’s thoughts:
”"Lutherans believe that faith, is understood as trust in God's steadfast love, and is the only appropriate way for human beings to respond to God's saving initiative. Thus "salvation by faith alone", the distinctive and controversial slogan of Lutheranism. Opponents claimed that this position failed to do justice to the Christian responsibility to do good works, but Lutherans have replied that faith must be active in love and that good works follow from faith as a good tree produces good fruit."

For more please See: http://gbgm-umc.org/umw/james/Background/Canon.htm

With all do respect to Martin Luther, I disagree and I am glad other Church fathers thought this Book was best left in the Cannon of Scripture.

My reasons are simple, that is I firmly believe that the works described in the book of James such as Chapter 2, are a way of verifying our faith and walk. Yes we fail (at least I know I do), just as we fail to keep the Ten Commandments. Christ even states in the Parable of the Good Samaritan that the one who helps the injured man is the Christian; is this not a form of works? The answer in my opinion is this is works by faith, as an unbeliever can also perform this work, however a Christian walking in the faith of the Lord should perform this task as well.

Here is the passage I am referring to (NIV):
1My brothers, as believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ, don't show favoritism. 2Suppose a man comes into your meeting wearing a gold ring and fine clothes, and a poor man in shabby clothes also comes in. 3If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say, "Here's a good seat for you," but say to the poor man, "You stand there" or "Sit on the floor by my feet," 4have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?

5Listen, my dear brothers: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love him? 6But you have insulted the poor. Is it not the rich who are exploiting you? Are they not the ones who are dragging you into court? 7Are they not the ones who are slandering the noble name of him to whom you belong?

8If you really keep the royal law found in Scripture, "Love your neighbor as yourself,"[a] you are doing right. 9But if you show favoritism, you sin and are convicted by the law as lawbreakers. 10For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it. 11For he who said, "Do not commit adultery,"[b] also said, "Do not murder."[c] If you do not commit adultery but do commit murder, you have become a lawbreaker.

Continued:
14What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? 15Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. 16If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? 17In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

I know for myself I have many times tried to live verse 1-3, yet have failed, often paying attention to the man who appears “better”.
This does not mean that we not exercise discernment, as this is also where I have failed. I have leapt in to help someone without prayer, only after realizing the person was a wolf in sheep’s clothing did I finally pray and realize otherwise. I know in particular this has happened twice with disastrous results (such as my trust in a couple to run my previous pet store in the Hacienda Heights area of California when they used me with well designed lies).

As well even when prayer is part of the decision to help someone, I also know from experience the results may not be what we would like, but this does not mean that God does not have bigger plans. A case in point where I helped a female co-worker at a Candy Factory I was the Production Manager with a place to live and many other aspects from insurance to loans. The results for me were disastrous (with many evil rumors and worse), but I know this was done in prayer, and another co-worker who also helped her can vouch for this as well.

Finally there are the many times I have helped others with no reward (& often public acknowledgement), since these acts were done discreetly as Christ often says we should. I know as a human it would be nice for some acknowledgment, especially when the person has the ability to stand up and vouch for your integrity during times of trials (as was the case for another co-worker whom I helped get credit to save their family car) , but I know this is not what Christ is asking of us in James or other related passages of the Bible.

In summary, my thoughts on James is that it is not a book on “works” rather a measurement of our faith, as well as a tool to help us live a life closer to Christ and to understand our own failures. This is similar in my view to Proverbs and Ecclesiastes.
In fact, my biggest frustration is that many in the Christian Church ignore James and concentrate on Paul’s Books, when I think James gives good balance to the rest of the New Testament and our lives, including mine; we simply need to read this book in context with the rest of the Bible.

Gods Answer to a my Prayers

God’s Answer to a my Prayers

As I noted briefly in my biography page at my website that in February 2009 our family suffered from a VERY horrible set back that had its roots in what brought us to Oregon in the first place. I will not go into the details other than to say many persons were down right evil in how they responded to severe issues my family (& daughter in particular) suffered from and acted on blatant lies. See this post for more about one contributor to this evil brought upon my family: My Opinions; DHS, DCS, CPS Abuse of authority

Anyway, the purpose of this post is not to go into the details or the negatives of what happened, rather the positives that this has shown me (this does not mean I am going to forget who did what, as God asks us to forgive, but trust is earned. See this verse as well, Matt. 10:16; "See, I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. So be as cunning as serpents and as innocent as doves").

As I have noted in other posts (& readers can choose to believe this or not, but many around me over the years have confirmed this), I have always been spiritually open to both prophesy/ premonitions from God and as well Satan’s minions giving me very dark dreams and premonitions and visions as well (of which I work hard at ignoring my giving these over to the Lord). This has resulted in many visions that I have seen that have both been awesome in their Godly truth and horrifying in their demonic evil. As a friend I knew back in 2005 observed that I had one such evil premonition when in So. California during a business trip where she accompanied me. This and another dating as back as 1991 both pointed towards what would happen this dark and stormy February night.

Where God/Jesus answer to prayer comes in is that I have been praying for God to release me from bitterness, fear, and more (this bitterness and fear is the result of the cruel and evil incidents throughout my life), as well (& probably more significant), I had been praying for God to show me through others his Love for me and my family as I have felt so very abandoned by others, especially Christian friends that have truly abandoned me. This night in particular, I was returning from LA for my monthly business trip, yet I could not get the feeling out of my head that something was really wrong.
As the day progressed to evening and I entered the mountains north of Redding California, I entered what was arguably the worst winter storm along this part of Interstate 5 in a decade (it took 6 hours to progress on a section that normally takes less than two hours). After passing many accidents (even 4WD vehicles were crashing do to the VERY heavy snow and total white out), I say a vision that is similar to one I had in 1991 on this EXACT section of highway (this same “character has appeared before in other visions), that told me my family was gone!!

Shortly there after two friends called my cell phone to see how I was (one whom felt a compelling need to call me at this time). I did not tell them what I saw as I was trying to not let these types of dark visions over take me. I personally believe God was already at work at this point with these calls.
As I very slowly got closer to home the fear of something wrong grew unbearably difficult to handle, then as I finally was within a block from home I was over taken by fear that something was really wrong and this was realized moments later when I saw my wife’s car gone (& realized my family was missing). I saw visions/"darkness" in the driveway that I cannot speak of other than every failure in my life was immediately brought before me, "it was over", and much worse. I could not even pull much more than ¼ of the way into my driveway as what I saw scared me so much.
I jumped out of my truck & collapsed in panic, based on fears and real facts of what could have happened (my daughter has expressed fears of nightmares as well that she/we would be murdered by the cause of our move to Oregon, as well threatening emails had been sent of late).

This is where God stepped in, via others (not the way I had prayed, but God works in ways best for us, not what we desire). I did not know that my brother in law Cary and my Sister Jan were waiting outside and immediately picked me up and attempted to comfort me. I do know if I could have even made it through this first night if they were not there and had taken me back to their home to care for me.

Later (much within 24 hours) as more came out about what happened, I saw an outpouring of Love and care from my church that I never had experienced before.
Persons came forward from church (even those I never would have guessed or expected to do this, which shows how I should not judge) to comfort me and help remedy what happened to my family. This included a court hearing to remedy the lies and downright evil that was brought upon my family, where the court room was filled with those in my support.
As well may verses were brought to me either by others or directly from God, in particular this verse was brought to me while in meditation and prayer (I have read it many times before, but its application to me was never clear until this point); Philippians 4:4-9; 4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

In summary, there is still much healing to go, as well many who allowed or brought this evil upon my family have yet to come clean, however for me it has brought about a peace from God that he truly is there during mine and my family’s darkest moments. I have been better able to let go of bitterness and realize that there are persons that God works through, and this not only includes the many here in my local proximity, but as well the many internet friends, especially from members of Everything Aquatic such as John L. (& many others, so please forgive my not mentioning all) that sent VERY moving and touching testimonials to help me through this.
Fear still troubles me much, but I have now realized how God/Jesus works in my life, and often not in ways I would prefer, but in ways that makes me grow more as a servant of His and my family. I saw how my kids were deeply hurt, yet my son Timothy and middle daughter Danielle both have expressed how much our family means to them after this incident (Michelle is still struggling deeply as of writing this post, but she was the most harmed by the previous incident back in LA and deeply suffers from fear and abandonment issues, whether real or imagined).
My wife also had an epiphany that made here realize her part in our family and what she had done. I do not know what happened in how God brought this to her, as she is still struggling and feels she will tell me and others (other than her counselor) when she is ready.

Do Evangelicals represent the Church of Jesus?

IS THE EVANGELICAL OR CHARISMATIC WING OF THE CHRISTIAN CHURCH A CULT?

The answer is no, especially when you look at core beliefs, HOWEVER:

although most believe in very literal (& correct in my opinion) interpretations of the Bible, most act in ways that are contrary to scripture and yet have the audacity to condemn Churches such as the Later Day Saints (Mormons) on their interpretation of scripture (which I agree is twisted), but yet most Mormon live the simple teaching of the Bible: (Matt 22: 37-39) 37 Jesus replied: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself".

After speaking with a good friend at my Church (Bethany Presbyterian) as to both of our experiences in many Evangelical Churches and since both of us add somewhat different life experiences that left us both feeling like we "sucked", the light finally came on that part of the problem was almost EVERY Evangelical/Baptist Church I (and my friend) attended had the same message and that is "I SUCK". Besides NOT being Biblical, it simply goes against human nature.

Yes we ALL need a Savior and fall short of God, HOWEVER we ARE created in his image (Genesis 1:27; So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them).
Also what I find both sad and frustrating is that these same Churches like to relate God as our Father, and a Father punishes his children for poor behavior, which I agree, HOWEVER what loving Father tells their children they suck and that they are "bad". Sorry, but I disagree with most Evangelicals that we are inherently bad/evil (we are created in God's image, not Satan's), some may be such as Adolf Hitler whom Jesus death and resurrection is still the propitiation for, but this is one of those mysteries that we in are finite minds likely will never understand (1 John 2:2 He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for[a] the sins of the whole world.)

Back to what the Lord may think of us; Job 1 verse 8: -Then the LORD said to Satan, "Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil."

To balance the above passage, Job later said this: Job 19:25 I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. 26 And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God; 27 I myself will see him with my own eyes—I, and not another. How my heart yearns within me!

Unfortunately many Evangelicals continue to judge me and my family and are often my harshest critics, quite bluntly if even a few of these Evangelicals stood up for was the truth, my family and my daughter would not be in the situation we continue to find ourselves in today. All I heard in most sermons (& this includes radio sermons) is how much I "suck" and what a despicable person I am! I am not saying there is not a place for human judgment, as the Bible is clear you will no them by their fruits, however none have EVER checked to see what was truly happening (the real fruit), and quite honestly the fruit of many of these evangelicals is quite rotten when I look how my family was destroyed and how I CONTINUE to be judged by them (such as for helping a co-worker here in Oregon and ditto in California, does not the Bible say that Christ went out among the sinners!!!!!)

Many would do well to understand this passage from John 1:43-51:
43 The next day Jesus decided to leave for Galilee. Finding Philip, he said to him, "Follow me."
44 Philip, like Andrew and Peter, was from the town of Bethsaida. 45Philip found Nathanael and told him, "We have found the one Moses wrote about in the Law, and about whom the prophets also wrote—Jesus of Nazareth, the son of Joseph."
46 "Nazareth! Can anything good come from there?" Nathanael asked.
"Come and see," said Philip.
47 When Jesus saw Nathanael approaching, he said of him, "Here is a true Israelite, in whom there is nothing false."
48 "How do you know me?" Nathanael asked.
Jesus answered, "I saw you while you were still under the fig tree before Philip called you."
49 Then Nathanael declared, "Rabbi, you are the Son of God; you are the King of Israel."
50 Jesus said, "You believe[a] because I told you I saw you under the fig tree. You shall see greater things than that." 51He then added, "I tell you[b] the truth, you[c] shall see heaven open, and the angels of God ascending and descending on the Son of Man."

To me the above shows how Jesus sees the good in us even when we have issues of our own.

What has been so frustrating, painful, etc. is that these so-called Evangelicals have made pronouncements on me without even knowing what is going on. For instance I had a lady from a Calvary Church of So. CA counseling my wife though her mental issues after my son was born (he was very sickly and later diagnosed with autism), she made up her mind that I was being too hard on my wife, including withholding money from her (she did not try and find out that my wife and her boyfriend had run up $80,000 in debt). She called the LA Sheriff who after looking over the records I showed him told the lady she owed me an apology, she refused. During this same time period my neighbor was VERY judgmental on both me & my wife (yes my wife had, was having an affair that the end result later would be severe emotional harm to my daughter, yet the "Christian" thing to do would be to Love the sinner and hate the sin, but they chose the opposite). Mean while these so-called Christian neighbors told me I was too easy on my wife, totally the opposite of what the Baptist Church and the lady from the Calvary Church stated. This was quite hard being judged from two opposing sides, so I could do no right.

I made a decision to move my family (right or wrong) via prayer and with some input of the few friends (mostly non-Christian) that stood by me (& my sister in Oregon). This of coarse resulting in me trusting others to run my business who it turned out did not have my best intentions in mind (I should have bankrupted, but Chapter 7 would have resulted in lost jobs, so once again I put others ahead of myself, only to get stabbed in the back).

Here in Oregon the judgment has been even worse, and even with my online business where I spend 90% of my time answering other questions, emails, phone calls, fixing their web sites all the while spending little time trying to bring up my business I am still not doing enough in some persons eyes.
I have almost 0% of my back links from others (about 1 in 250) and this shows how much people continue to take advantage of my help.

I am trying to spend more time collecting recyclables, however I get blasted for this too, with a recent incident where a bystander jumped in on his attack of me (see: "Grants Pass Poor Morals; Recycling

I am getting off subject somewhat, but the bottom line is I am thankful for my one Christian friend who shared his similar story of the "you suck" gospel of Evangelicals and as well as my Sister Jan.
However most Evangelicals (some even family) continue to judge me harshly totally oblivious to the harm it has caused me and my family. My daughter is very suicidal and if EVEN ONE Christian would come forward to befriend her would help greatly (she has some friends, but they are not in position to help as they have much on their plate or are not Christians).
For me, just having a few persons here in Grants Pass acknowledge what they have said/done is wrong and try and help could do wonders as well (not to mention having a few persons help me with some REAL links to my business on line)

Unfortunately this quote seems to be all to true: “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”

My contact with Charismatic Pentecostals has been even worse with most stating this is happening ONLY because I lack faith (ignoring the fact that my move to So. Oregon was an act of faith that I am now paying dearly for). I will save this thought for maybe another day.

What I believe is that the Evangelical Churches in America (maybe elsewhere) need to re-think there personally destructive gospel of “YOU SUCK” and realize that it is not only un-Biblical, BUT DESTRUCTIVE. I know for me is after my 4th & 6th grade teacher told me that I was a vegetable and would not amount to anything (she made sure the WHOLE class knew this as well), I mostly heard how much I sucked in Church as well (until I found a Church that does not preach this). These same persons that preach and live his Gospel mostly like have never been brought to the pits of despair (I know this from their view of suicide and overly literal view of Cor. 10:13).
I know the only point in my life I was truly accepted was when I was a pilot and working on my commercial license, then the criticism I received was as it should be, for my mistakes, HOWEVER I gave this up for my family and now I get and hear criticism everywhere for everything, usually NOT for my mistakes, but based on the “you suck” perceptions.

I will end by saying praise the Lord that I still have a few friends (although mostly non-Christian such as at Everything Aquatic), as well my friend Roger here in town, Bob in Central CA. and others.

I will also add that I think this is why God grants us this time on Earth is to serve others, however many think ALL service should be beat them on the head Evangelism or things done in public view (95% of my service has been done discretely in private).
I would refer to this article as well: Conservatism vs. Capitalism

My prayer is for others who have turned from God (such as my father and others I know) because just these views of the Evangelical Church will realize that they do NOT represent Jesus’ Love!

Why even pray anymore

Why even pray anymore?

After finding out that I will need a surgery for which my family cannot afford,

after finding out more rumors about me in my community that have no basis of fact, all the while continuing to spend 80% of my time helping others either online or often
quietly as in the case of a friend of my daughters yet getting nothing but criticism,

after a person via myspace basically rubbed my nose in his aquatic business success with his new home and $1000s of dollar aquarium of which not one penny went my way

after a week of nightmares of all my failures,

after giving up my dream of becoming an airline pilot so as to spend more time to care of my family (which I already spent much time) after spending $35,000 and progressing all the way to my Multi-Engine License

after knowing that God made me look the way I do, a skinny little man that most see as either gay or a pervert based on this (I know this to be true based on many comments that found their way back to me and even a couple of letters of my wife to the person that took advantage of her after my son’s birth),

after knowing that I have always treated women/girls with respect, even in high school when the only girl truly interested in my was because I showed her kindness while she was being mercilessly teased, I refused to use this as an opportunity to take advantage of her even though others said I should, YET I am looked at as someone that helps women only to get "into their pants"

after opening my home and wallet to many in need (most often quietly in secret), only to be ridiculed as to my intention or igoring my family (neither of which is remotely true)

after even being ridiculed for picking up cans in off hours by local businessman in my community (and writing a letter to the editor of my local paper to only see it go unpublished)

after praying fervently for those that I helped but later turned on me based on rumors and I have tried to get them to know what really happened but they seem uninterested in knowing the truth,

after a possible investor in my business that thought I had a great website, but then could not believe the low revenue stated that they thought we were much larger based on what they saw and could not find an explanation for this (mind you this was a large corporation that specializes in finding up and coming businesses),

after a click through rate on my web site adverts of 10% below national average

after knowing the day I am not going to pay back all the $100s I have borrowed just to stay in our crap hole of a house that is a fire trap and uses $400 per month just to heat in the winter for 900 square feet

after knowing this is the tearful week that I had to place my daughter on a plane to get her away from a person and situation that meant her and my family harm and took $80,000 from us that we did not even have (it was credit)

after also knowing that next month is when we had to leave our home and live in a Camper for 18 months for which most around us label me a failure,

after leaving LA, not one friend bothered to call or see us off

after knowing what my teacher for both the 4th and 6th grade said about me,

after mine and many others that feel following God’s Word and honesty prayers seemed to go unheard on election day,

WHERE IS GOD, and maybe I am the failure everyone thinks I am

Thanks to Everything Aquatic

Thanks to my many good friends at Everything Aquatic!

It is nice to know that there are people in the world that will stand up for what is right, and even when I am easily frustrated by all the events of life (form an upside down mortgage, to the $30,000 in money owed still left to pay from the influence of the Judas in my family’s, to my daughters depression and both our treatment by so-called “friends” in this community)

After feeling I need to leave Everything Aquatic for a while to relieve pressure on my life, I found out quite quickly starting with John L. how much others care in this group (& I was rude to him to boot on the phone!). Brenda also joined him with several emails and others from Jon to Bill, just to name a few really were great.

I only wish as I go into a season that is filled with extremely painful nightmares that my daughter also suffers from that others that have spread lies and rumors about me or have made me feel like one inch tall such as Carys of Oregon, the Owens and so MANY others in Grants Pass and down at Bethany Baptist Church could do the same.
Again, the sad part is that in my daughters case, most of the people that make her feel worthless in life are Christians, yet she as I do remains strong in faith of God, which is often hard when the Bible says you will know my people by their fruits!!!!


Maybe Rachel and Josh Oliveri, the Investors at Carys of Oregon, the Owens, Greg Walden, the many that attend River Valley Church, Parkside Church and Bethany Baptist Church should go to the Everything Aquatic Forum and read some there, as they certainly do not seem to read their Bibles.

I will state to any readers of "My Thoughts" (as most of my posts are of a negative nature as that is how I have been left feeling by so many starting in the 4th grade) that despite my abandonment and harsh and rumor based treatment by most Evangelical Christians my faith in God and the Lord Jesus is still in tact (I admit doubts at time). I only wish that so many Evangelical Christian could just even remotely practice what the Bible teaches such as the parable of the Good Samaritan.
For me the evidence for creation is what first allowed me to see past the way so many others treated me and as someone who has always been fascinated science with an aptitude as well in science that the Earth and Universe "screams" that there must be a Creator and my looking at the scientific and mathematical evidence has brought me back to the Lord when doubts have over come do to the horrible ways many Evangelical Christians have treated me and my family (as well as some of my friends such as John).

The Bible is clear to this as well:
Romans 1:20 states: "For the invisible things of him from the creation are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and Godhead: so that they are without excuse."

I will also add that many persons of the Mormon faith of Christianity that are often maligned by Evangelical Christians as a cult (I will agree that scripturally the Church of Jesus Christ Later Day Saints has many problems, HOWEVER this is also the Church that I have seen act in true Christian Love. Personally I would be more drawn to a Christian that acts as Jesus would than one who talks and tells others what is wrong with myself. Another point is that the Judas that destroyed my family hates Mormons with a passion and this is more proof to me that although this Church has doctrinal issues, if someone of his character hates this Church they must be doing something right!

Positive or Negative Attitude Part 2

Positive or Negative Attitude Part 2

As I write this entry I ponder the Story of the Good Samaritan as it relates to the way I have lived my life and how others have treated me (mostly so-called Christians). I find that although business is up I still struggle as I spend so much time answering emails and trying to help others with their problems that I have little time left to perform more productive work and have to pay for it via hiring or via Adwords or similar (I can cut back here by spending more time at internet sites to promote my business). On person has basically taken advantage of the situation as their husbands need for materialism forces her think selfishly and just collect money for nothing (I am putting an end to this)

I added “Donate” button based on a suggestion, since I have so many good articles which are often read, but most often do little to bring in income. To this day, I have not had one donation.

What also really hurts is that I know from business experience that you have to establish a good root structure by first establishing your business in one’s community. After three years we have made one internet sale in our community despite our growth on the internet, which is sort of like having a tree growing all sorts of leaves without any real trunk or root structure. Unfortunately this all still stems from persons and their judgment of me that still continues unabated, and mostly from Evangelical Christians (including an ex-Mormon couple which makes me wonder who truly demonstrates Christ’ commandment to Love ones neighbor). I have even been judged by many for staying with my wife AFTER her affair and the destruction it brought upon my family (I thought and still believe in my marriage vows, not to mention I still Love her very much despite this and I also have to acknowledge that I am NOT perfect either).

I am so burned out as I am still spend hours helping others with their problems, reading and responding to their lives issues (many admittedly serious) all the while I cannot say much and when I have in the past I have made to feel so little as it is OK to give compassion to illness (as I did receive after a serious bout with Sepsis), yet honestly this was nothing compared to the emotional pain I feel from the abandonment I and also my daughter feels after evil was brought upon my family and we were devastated financially, emotionally and more (this includes the nightmares both I and my daughter suffer from stemming from many personal issues I will not discuss publically but to say death threats she now indicates were said to her during a difficult family time over 8 years ago still cause her to have nightmares).

It is also curious to me that with a couple of exceptions (my time spent trying to be a friend and provide housing and other support to Tammy and Rachel), most of what I felt “called to do” by the Lord was done discretely (often financial or other personal help) with no one knowing but many, the Lord and usually the recipient (although not even always the recipient), YET although I cannot expect others to know, I can expect the Lord to place it on other Christian’s heart to come along side my family or at the very least not judge so harshly, yet this NEVER happens.

I see friends that I have helped with their internet sites and much more never acknowledge my site (which would help bring others or help with SEO), this has happened with two (who I thought were) close friends.
I provide help to many in forums I visit/run as well as my many articles, yet again I see little help return as to how persons see me (in my community) and I spend hours per day answering email or phone calls for persons with no intention of every returning the favor and purchasing from me

Another aspect of business I find frustrating is although sales of products such as UV Bulbs and other items are up, these are "common" items, all the while the unique products that I sell and recommend (of which my recommendation in my previous business were treated with respect and positive feedback) seem to fall on deaf ears. This includes Bio Lif, Spirulina 20, Via Aqua VitaLife Filter, my many unique and up to date aquarium lights such as the T2 Aquarium Lights, although I will admit that after much flaming of myself and website, the Wonder Shells are finally selling. This list is s short list BTW as there are many other products that know are good and unique based on mine and other colleagus experience, yet I get little notice of them all the while spending hours helping others with their aquarium/pond problems.

Please do not get me wrong, I do NOT help others either on a personal level or with their aquariums/ponds (as that is not what the Bible asks), it is just that there is very rarely any return and worse the amounts of hate directed at me is ridiculous. I simply am so spent that I am finding it harder and harder to return emails and go to my forums to answer questions when I feel at rock bottom anymore. I say this as my wife dropped another bomb shell of s lie on me about her job, which without going into detail frustrates me as I have given up EVERY dream I have had to provide for my family and her (this included flying). I supported her decision to change jobs even though I new she would find herself actually less happy and our families finances who toilet even more, this turned out to be correct on my part and I have NOT reminded her of this at all, yet once again I take the brunt of the stress from this decision.
This coupled with the emergence of a evil person in my families lives (who came as a Judas, yet has done nothing but sought evil against us based on his own twisted philosophy on life) and my daughters struggles why she too is judged (most often by “born again Christians”) that never attempt to look for the truth has made life nearly impossible to live for me.

I will say on a positive note that my sister Jan remains a rock of support as well as Rodger Stewart and some others at my Church (a Presbyterian Church). Also there a few members (John, Bill, Brenda, Lori, Jon, Renee, Stephanie, and others) at my aquatic forum “Everything Aquatic” that I know would do anything for me if they could (unfortunately their own situations often preclude this). Yet even here there are others that could but are indifferent (IMO).

It would just be nice to see the light at the end of the tunnel, or for others who stood by while evil, problems such as Autism of my son, my middle daughters dyslexia, our financial struggles, my personal issues such as being thought of as “gay” do to the fact I am a grown man that cannot gain weight past 122 lbs. would simply show SOME compassion or at least stop taking advantage of me and my family. A few apologies would also go a long ways from Rachel and her family as well as many others who think they know me, but know little of what I nor my family has been through (this would include even those reading all entries in this blog as it is a sugar coated version that leaves out the darkest events that have happened). I know Rachel was one who made a comment about the days surrounding my having to place my oldest daughter on a plane to escape the monster that helped destroy my family and harmed her emotionally (with eveil threats), without going into detail (too painful) that was the worst and lowest point in my life where I felt like such a failure and the nightmares were nearly unbearable, yet her comments were par for the coarse among so-called Christians.

I have lived my life quietly living my life based on Luke 10:25-37 (the story of the good Samaritan), yet I am so tired of watching others cross to the other side of the street around me and my family. For me, this passage of the Samaritan is demonstration of what is taught as to the Gospel, the Law, and the Prophets.
In fact when I often post comments to Christian Blogs about these issues, I have noticed that about 75% of the time they are moderated out. This says a lot to me about what many so-called Christian really desire, this is along the lines of what an Adults Pastor once told me at the height of our families struggles and that is to "not bother coming to Church unless I could come with a smile on my face".

Positive Attitude

Positive Attitude or Negative attitude

I know that trying to focus on the positives in life and that God has given me is important and I am trying (& in general doing better with this), however I am not sure that many well intentioned and some less well intentioned persons truly understand how difficult this can be at times.

First though I would like to thank those who are truly trying to help me with acknowledging the many positive such as three beautiful and healthy children and some caring persons at my church. I appreciate my sister (Jan) and friend (Roger) for praying with me and others simply keeping me in prayer as well those who send me positive and uplifting readings (such as John).

Unfortunately many less compassionate persons (such as an adults Pastor at a church I attended in LA) have made statements such as “so not come to come to church unless you can come with a smile on your face”.
What is hard to get past are the often nightly and occasional daytime nightmare/premonitions that are often very accurate which show all my failures and show many future failures and tragedies. Add to this that so many friends continue to believe rumors about me such as being a failure in business and life, having the wrong intentions when helping others, and even that all my problems are do to failing God. I cannot help but believe these rumors my self when I get abandoned left and right and when such basics as looking like a “real” man (I weigh less than even most thin women of similar height) despite so many weight gain attempts over the years. Both my current wife (with the help of her “boyfriend during an affair) and my ex-wife have added to this feeling of inadequacy via statements and actions.

God has very often put in on my heart to at the least pray for others (even in the middle of the night) and often go further and try and help them in various ways. Yet even here my motives have usually been brought into question going so far as to saying that “I wanted in their pants” (referring to a few women/girls I attempted to help). It has also been stated that I was not using discernment when helping these persons, yet this too is not true as when persons have come into my life that had no intention of letting me help them help themselves I would not generally do much here. My failures here have come when even those who were generally trying to pick themselves up would take advantage of me and I would allow this.
Even those that I received many accusations of bad intentions and other stupid charges have showed selflessness such as when Tammy (whom MANY have criticized my helping) did the right thing on two occasions and my prayers are still often with her family.
Then there are those such as the Owens that have talked trash about me and showed hate towards me despite my HELPING keep their daughter around without even trying to check the facts. What is funny about them is that they are ex-Mormons and along with other ex-Mormons I have met seem to have more hate in them which certainly makes me wonder (at least based on the “knowing them by their fruit”) who is truly serving God; Mormons or Evangelicals? Based on my experiences with many here in this town such as Loren and her church, others at various churches here and in LA and as well my friend Misti whose husband thinks little of me (I know this based on statements and actions, even simple but discernable gestures such as avoiding me and being distant when in my company) resulting in her valued friendship with me to also go down the tank like other friendships with persons of Evangelical beliefs.

The preceding is just a small sample of what I deal with weekly and it is hard to be positive while dealing with this and despite my sisters good intentions that I should look to God for affirmation, what I read when looking at the Bible in context and as a whole is that God often and usually speaks though people, making all this hate directed at me by persons of Evangelical beliefs hard to take and then be positive about. A key verse (among many) is to “Love the Lord God with all your heart and your neighbor as yourself”.
Despite my trying to place others first (often in quiet as the Bible asks), when I do get feedback (and yes I know this is NOT the reason for doing what is right) it is generally negative. One person I gave moral, financial, and a roof over their head stated at one time; “they would never forget me the rest of their life”, yet this person along with their spouse has viciously attacked me after buying into the lies and rumors.
Just the other day, a person I know that works at a daycare was noting how she gets so many past kids later thank her and invite her to their graduations; I could not help but think that this would be so uplifting and what is especially noteworthy is this same person could NOT handle the care of my son whom I have to deal with his care 24/7 (which in his first couple years was extremely tough, broke my wife mentally, and left us isolated from others).

As to business, although this is finally up, it is up mostly due to sales of after market parts such as UVC bulbs. The products that I recommend such as T2 lights, Wonder Shells, VA M200 filters and MANY more still remain flat, yet when I go down to LA to pick up supplies I often talk to my ex-brother in law (Gregg) who owns my old service business and he tells me how well these products work and how that his customers trust him and take his word and make these purchases (often at vastly higher prices than I sell them on the internet). Add to this that I only sold my business (at a fraction of its value) and my modest home in LA to pay off debts incurred by my wife (during and several year hidden debt spending spree and later with the help of her "boy friend"). Also to remove my family (especially Michelle and Jodie) from continued potential harmful influences. Now we live in a 1920s shack that passes for a house (a contractor told us that repairing this house would be a waste of time and it should be bull dozed) while other continue to stab me in the back.

This is VERY discouraging as I have written so many articles backing up what I say with more scientific proof than the common anecdotal BS common on the internet and these articles come up well in search engines, YET I get little or no sales and little or no respect in most aquatic forums (with the exception of Everything Aquatic). It is hard not to be very depressed when I work so many hours in research and helping others with their problems, sell what I know works, YET still cannot pay my bills with this business.
This town has really been hard on my business with total disrespect for me, although I am no longer wasting my time in community forums promoting it either.

In summary, yes there are blessing in my life and I am still trying my best, but with all the failures (or perceived failures by many), lack of genuine physical attraction in my marriage towards me and hate directed my way by so-so many it is very hard to be positive and these problems literally continue on a daily basis.
An example that I thought of is this; let’s say I was a dwarf born into a society of tall persons that live in a society of based solely on basketball and everything about basketball. I am useless to what most persons there see as to what is important and even though I still may enjoy some of the fruits of this society, I am still viewed and treated like less than a normal human in this society (by most). This is how my life is on a daily basis and it is often hard to take!