Failures in Life

I often am reminded of how I have failed in life in man's eyes, even though in truth I have not in the Lord's eyes or the truth of my actions that most persons never look below the surface and make inaccurate judgments.

While I must admit that many times when God has put it on my heart to take action on another persons behalf, I have been impatient with the results and then have not waited patiently on the Lord for Him to help me help these persons. This said, it is still unfair of so many to judge my actions which were at the very least initially performed based on a clear calling from God using my strengths, talents, spiritual gifts.

I would also state that many times I have waited patiently on the Lord and have often stuck by "listening" to the Lord even as results were not what I or the person I was interceding for would have liked.
In fact I would go a step further and note that even among persons that do treat me with respect, they still have no clue how much I have gone to bat for them (often behind closed doors), often taking terrible criticism or worse.
Others initially showed respect but when actions were not to their liking, they turned on me, such was the case at my previous employment with a female co-worker I did so much for (much even she did not know such as helping her with auto insurance which caused an increase in my premiums); when I finally listened to Godly advice and simply listened to the Lord (via the Word, etc.), she turned on me.

In another "case", a person (with a prison record), I helped with a good job, helped with securing a vehicle, etc. resulting him get on his feet. After this he simply disappeared.

Much of the result of this has been me constantly in battle for others to the detriment of my own well being, often financially. The finance side has been especially difficult since I am still stick deep in debt (about $50,000 as of writing this blog entry, not counting our house debt which is double the homes value), all knowing if I had never taken ANY of the actions I felt called to do that I would not owe ANY of this debt, Yet I am constantly feeling that everything I do is for others dreams while my clock slowly ticks away, especially when I consider the severity of my health issues (& simply my age).

Here are just a few of the actions I have taken that have in the end mostly hurt me (I am only writing about the "known" actions, not the many more that I have been able to keep to myself and/or the person I came along side).
What is interesting is the actions that became more public, are the ones that often were less successful or I was judged wrongly for.
Few ever publicly noted where I might have helped them, not that this is the reason, I only point this out in that persons love to point out the negative and ignore the positive

• In High School I stood up for a girl that was constantly belittled by others to the point of tears. When she then though she should repay me by "throwing herself at me", I refused.
  This made others claim that by doing this it proved I was "Gay" by refusing to "score with this beautiful blonde girl with a nice figure. I felt this was not the reason to help her and yet others never saw it this way. Many years later she showed up at my pet where once again she literally threw herself at me, yet my then wife refused to see the truth what really happened.


• In 1988: Despite her affair, I asked my then wife what it would take to make her treat me as I should be as her husband (instead of the usual comments of "You make me sick", "get way from me you worm" and many more insults); her answer was to sell my pet store, which I did only to have the person who bought it liquidate it and skip the country (a $40,000 loss).
  For this I got my then wife serving me with divorce on Christmas Eve


• In 1993: One of the owners of my largest client made sexual comments/overtures that were way past inappropriate toward an employee. I told them that I could not this and demanded an apology which was refused.
  This resulted in severe financial losses as the only choice was to cancel this contract. As well I got judged by those around me (mostly at the Baptist Church I attended) for only performing this action to win back my now ex-wife over my current wife. Of coarse this was absurd and was 100% incorrect, yet this rumor followed me all the way to Oregon


• Shortly after the incident with my largest service account, my wife gave birth to our first child (daughter). While the pregnancy went quite well, our daughter was born with neurosensory dysfunction. She was a handful in that she almost constantly was crying.
  Outside of some help from my in-laws, we got almost no help or even support from our church in particular (mostly judgments).
  I dropped out of flight school for my life long dream of being a professional pilot (I got as far as my Multi-Engine license and was to start my commercial certificate.
  To many, this was not enough that I now was even taking my daughter for periods at a time & more to give my wife a break.


• We had another daughter 3 years later who also was born with many difficulties (mostly feeding and constant infections that sent her back to the hospital).
  
  We decided to stop at two kids (she had to take medications to conceive and even then it was difficult, hence the 3 year gap between daughter 1 and daughter 2). However the Lord had other plans and even though the Doctor stated it was very remote that Jodie (my wife) would conceive without medical help, she did (we also were rarely intimate). Jodie conceived my son and at the time was not sure she could or wanted to go through another child, thankfully my mother in law helped convince her otherwise.
  Unfortunately her worst fears came true with him developing meningitis and later sever feeding issues that often resulted in hum aspirating. This required him to be on a special machine which I attended to all night (along with my long 12 hours business days).
  
  The end result for my wife was severe postpartum depression (which she suffered with the other two, but not nearly as bad) and this resulted in even worse problems that I will not or cannot speak of. Through all this I stuck by her and my family and I was the primary shopper, care provider, Mom, Dad, and income provider.
  What was the result? I was judged by others for not doing enough


• The next "event" I will not go into, only to say that around this time unspeakable evil befell my family and at least a couple persons (from my business) that I was helping during this time came forward to show their gratitude and sympathies, all the while those who could have helped in very meaningful ways sat on the sidelines in judgment.
  The result was our sudden move to Oregon and even worse judgments that are too numerous to mention (not one person even called us, yet alone said goodbye from our church)


• At the same time as the previous event I helped a couple (Trina & Paul) that could not get into a home with their child due to past issues that made it difficult to qualify for a loan.
  I signed for, fronted some $$, & pulled some strings with a business Acquaintance. This resulted in them getting a nice condo (vastly better than where I live now).
  
  How was I repaid? This couple took advantage of my move to liquidate my aquarium store and part of my aquarium maintenance business that I intrusted them to.
  The estimated cost in loss of inventory and estimated business value: $40,000 (thankfully Gregg salvaged $10,000


• Later once employed in Oregon I found that persons had already made up their minds about me based on false rumors which made life difficult (especially while attempting to get back on my feet while living in a 28' RV).
  I prayed considerably about why I was brought here and felt one of the reasons was to help one of the owners of this business fulfill his dream, which I know I had both the experience and talents to do; unfortunately this was not in the cards as others listened to rumors rather than God and truth. Even still I fought hard for others there to which the result in the end was egg on my face and little gratitude from others

This a very brief account of just a small part of events (many were much deeper and darker).
Also I realize that my reward is in Heaven and what is important is what the Lord God thinks of me, not others, however God made us all beings that need others and need affirmation (despite some well meaning comments from others). As well he gave us ALL certain talents, to which when utilized to each of our fullest abilities can and will provide success to ours and others benefit as well as glory to God.
But when others constantly block one's talents, constantly take advantage mine ore others generosity, or believe 100% false rumors; the result is almost always failure in this side of life.

I am also confused as I believe others are much more important than money or my dreams, but where hurt the most (with many sleepless nights) is the fact that I have seen very little positives from what I have done, given, or suffered through. In particular No persons accepting Jesus as their Lord via my witness and with a couple exceptions most persons I have impacted their life simply going their way or working on their dreams while my dreams and time on this planet slips away.
In one incident a person I impacted after moving to Oregon made a comment: "I will never forget you as long as I live", this was so moving to me, yet this person would later stab me in the back.

I personally see time and life slipping away with age and health issues, all the while I am still in considerable debt from others taking advantage of me prior to moving to Oregon (mind you I did not even allow this, this was done behind my back after I attempted to help others help themselves in a Biblical sense).
As well our home continues to slide more upside down while I see our home crumble and the legal day of reckoning for our shed get closer; this is almost hopeless and it would take my business to finally provide the income it is capable of.
This based on outside third party reviews of my web based business; American Aquarium Products, that state we should be making many times the sales we get, yet I find that 75% of email/phone calls are lazy questions from persons again wanting something from me with nothing in return.
Link to My Website: American Aquarium Products

Currently, I also find my nights & weekends often consumed by the business often answering very rude, disrespectful, hateful emails.
What is frustrating is that I have done so much for others dreams over the last 30 years. Sadly, my dream at this point is only to get out of debt and have a peaceful vastly less stressful life (without all the constant attacks) until the end, as well as see some fruits from my many prayers for others; but apparently this is too much to hope for in this life. BUT I still hold out hope for this or at for the "Light" to go off and show me where I am wrong and that there has been much more fruit in my life than I see.

As I am now in the Autumn of my life, I still hear complaining for others (as young as 19) about how "tough" life is, while I only wish I could go back to this time of my life and make decisions about ME for a change.
In those days I went to college, worked 40 hours per week plus sold Crystal on the side as a Princess House Representative. Later as I started my business, I often worked 80 hours per week at it, plus worked swap-meets to raise extra capital and gain business exposure, HOWEVER all this work has been for not since it is long gone.

When I add up all the $$ losses in my attempt to "Do the Right Thing" this comes to a current life time loss of $336,000!!
HERE IS HOW IT BREAKS DOWN:

*Loss of Business (due to liquidation) for sale to show my ex (Tris) my love for her over my business- $40,000

*Loss of income for at least 4 years caused by dumping my largest and most prestigious client to show support of my employee over money (I went from a net take home income of $60,000 per year to $25,000)- $140,000
I also believe this caused anguish for my wife due to not having $ to support her the way she was used to; I base this on tracking of all the debts she secretly ran up trace back to this time.

*Loss of $36,000 spent in my dream of being a commercial pilot that was basically thrown down the toilet (I would love to get this money back). After getting as far as my Multi-Engine License, I dropped out to help my wife with my first child as she could not deal with the stress full time. I generally was the person who took her on drives & to my parents, as well I was up late much of the time with her.

*The $80,000 run up by my wife and the person that took advantage of her postpartum depression up to our move to Oregon

*The $40,000 loss from the couple who took advantage of my trust and kindness
(This does not includes the 1000s of hours of otherwise productive time I could have spent for me or my business ventures, if only simply to earn extra money as I often did via recycling cardboard or containers)

This post though is not about money, I mostly use this to make a point about how much time & money I have spent for others, only not realize my dreams and hopes.
I would still do much for those I love such as my wife Jodie and my kids (as well as friends), but the constant nightmares, feeling sick, constant pain from Neuropathy, and lack of intimacy from my wife (it would be nice to feel desired just once in my life) makes me look back and wonder why.
The tears I shed in private and late at night often simply do not help either.