Failures in Life

I often am reminded of how I have failed in life in man's eyes, even though in truth I have not in the Lord's eyes or the truth of my actions that most persons never look below the surface and make inaccurate judgments.

While I must admit that many times when God has put it on my heart to take action on another persons behalf, I have been impatient with the results and then have not waited patiently on the Lord for Him to help me help these persons. This said, it is still unfair of so many to judge my actions which were at the very least initially performed based on a clear calling from God using my strengths, talents, spiritual gifts.

I would also state that many times I have waited patiently on the Lord and have often stuck by "listening" to the Lord even as results were not what I or the person I was interceding for would have liked.
In fact I would go a step further and note that even among persons that do treat me with respect, they still have no clue how much I have gone to bat for them (often behind closed doors), often taking terrible criticism or worse.
Others initially showed respect but when actions were not to their liking, they turned on me, such was the case at my previous employment with a female co-worker I did so much for (much even she did not know such as helping her with auto insurance which caused an increase in my premiums); when I finally listened to Godly advice and simply listened to the Lord (via the Word, etc.), she turned on me.

In another "case", a person (with a prison record), I helped with a good job, helped with securing a vehicle, etc. resulting him get on his feet. After this he simply disappeared.

Much of the result of this has been me constantly in battle for others to the detriment of my own well being, often financially. The finance side has been especially difficult since I am still stick deep in debt (about $50,000 as of writing this blog entry, not counting our house debt which is double the homes value), all knowing if I had never taken ANY of the actions I felt called to do that I would not owe ANY of this debt, Yet I am constantly feeling that everything I do is for others dreams while my clock slowly ticks away, especially when I consider the severity of my health issues (& simply my age).

Here are just a few of the actions I have taken that have in the end mostly hurt me (I am only writing about the "known" actions, not the many more that I have been able to keep to myself and/or the person I came along side).
What is interesting is the actions that became more public, are the ones that often were less successful or I was judged wrongly for.
Few ever publicly noted where I might have helped them, not that this is the reason, I only point this out in that persons love to point out the negative and ignore the positive

• In High School I stood up for a girl that was constantly belittled by others to the point of tears. When she then though she should repay me by "throwing herself at me", I refused.
  This made others claim that by doing this it proved I was "Gay" by refusing to "score with this beautiful blonde girl with a nice figure. I felt this was not the reason to help her and yet others never saw it this way. Many years later she showed up at my pet where once again she literally threw herself at me, yet my then wife refused to see the truth what really happened.


• In 1988: Despite her affair, I asked my then wife what it would take to make her treat me as I should be as her husband (instead of the usual comments of "You make me sick", "get way from me you worm" and many more insults); her answer was to sell my pet store, which I did only to have the person who bought it liquidate it and skip the country (a $40,000 loss).
  For this I got my then wife serving me with divorce on Christmas Eve


• In 1993: One of the owners of my largest client made sexual comments/overtures that were way past inappropriate toward an employee. I told them that I could not this and demanded an apology which was refused.
  This resulted in severe financial losses as the only choice was to cancel this contract. As well I got judged by those around me (mostly at the Baptist Church I attended) for only performing this action to win back my now ex-wife over my current wife. Of coarse this was absurd and was 100% incorrect, yet this rumor followed me all the way to Oregon


• Shortly after the incident with my largest service account, my wife gave birth to our first child (daughter). While the pregnancy went quite well, our daughter was born with neurosensory dysfunction. She was a handful in that she almost constantly was crying.
  Outside of some help from my in-laws, we got almost no help or even support from our church in particular (mostly judgments).
  I dropped out of flight school for my life long dream of being a professional pilot (I got as far as my Multi-Engine license and was to start my commercial certificate.
  To many, this was not enough that I now was even taking my daughter for periods at a time & more to give my wife a break.


• We had another daughter 3 years later who also was born with many difficulties (mostly feeding and constant infections that sent her back to the hospital).
  
  We decided to stop at two kids (she had to take medications to conceive and even then it was difficult, hence the 3 year gap between daughter 1 and daughter 2). However the Lord had other plans and even though the Doctor stated it was very remote that Jodie (my wife) would conceive without medical help, she did (we also were rarely intimate). Jodie conceived my son and at the time was not sure she could or wanted to go through another child, thankfully my mother in law helped convince her otherwise.
  Unfortunately her worst fears came true with him developing meningitis and later sever feeding issues that often resulted in hum aspirating. This required him to be on a special machine which I attended to all night (along with my long 12 hours business days).
  
  The end result for my wife was severe postpartum depression (which she suffered with the other two, but not nearly as bad) and this resulted in even worse problems that I will not or cannot speak of. Through all this I stuck by her and my family and I was the primary shopper, care provider, Mom, Dad, and income provider.
  What was the result? I was judged by others for not doing enough


• The next "event" I will not go into, only to say that around this time unspeakable evil befell my family and at least a couple persons (from my business) that I was helping during this time came forward to show their gratitude and sympathies, all the while those who could have helped in very meaningful ways sat on the sidelines in judgment.
  The result was our sudden move to Oregon and even worse judgments that are too numerous to mention (not one person even called us, yet alone said goodbye from our church)


• At the same time as the previous event I helped a couple (Trina & Paul) that could not get into a home with their child due to past issues that made it difficult to qualify for a loan.
  I signed for, fronted some $$, & pulled some strings with a business Acquaintance. This resulted in them getting a nice condo (vastly better than where I live now).
  
  How was I repaid? This couple took advantage of my move to liquidate my aquarium store and part of my aquarium maintenance business that I intrusted them to.
  The estimated cost in loss of inventory and estimated business value: $40,000 (thankfully Gregg salvaged $10,000


• Later once employed in Oregon I found that persons had already made up their minds about me based on false rumors which made life difficult (especially while attempting to get back on my feet while living in a 28' RV).
  I prayed considerably about why I was brought here and felt one of the reasons was to help one of the owners of this business fulfill his dream, which I know I had both the experience and talents to do; unfortunately this was not in the cards as others listened to rumors rather than God and truth. Even still I fought hard for others there to which the result in the end was egg on my face and little gratitude from others

This a very brief account of just a small part of events (many were much deeper and darker).
Also I realize that my reward is in Heaven and what is important is what the Lord God thinks of me, not others, however God made us all beings that need others and need affirmation (despite some well meaning comments from others). As well he gave us ALL certain talents, to which when utilized to each of our fullest abilities can and will provide success to ours and others benefit as well as glory to God.
But when others constantly block one's talents, constantly take advantage mine ore others generosity, or believe 100% false rumors; the result is almost always failure in this side of life.

I am also confused as I believe others are much more important than money or my dreams, but where hurt the most (with many sleepless nights) is the fact that I have seen very little positives from what I have done, given, or suffered through. In particular No persons accepting Jesus as their Lord via my witness and with a couple exceptions most persons I have impacted their life simply going their way or working on their dreams while my dreams and time on this planet slips away.
In one incident a person I impacted after moving to Oregon made a comment: "I will never forget you as long as I live", this was so moving to me, yet this person would later stab me in the back.

I personally see time and life slipping away with age and health issues, all the while I am still in considerable debt from others taking advantage of me prior to moving to Oregon (mind you I did not even allow this, this was done behind my back after I attempted to help others help themselves in a Biblical sense).
As well our home continues to slide more upside down while I see our home crumble and the legal day of reckoning for our shed get closer; this is almost hopeless and it would take my business to finally provide the income it is capable of.
This based on outside third party reviews of my web based business; American Aquarium Products, that state we should be making many times the sales we get, yet I find that 75% of email/phone calls are lazy questions from persons again wanting something from me with nothing in return.
Link to My Website: American Aquarium Products

Currently, I also find my nights & weekends often consumed by the business often answering very rude, disrespectful, hateful emails.
What is frustrating is that I have done so much for others dreams over the last 30 years. Sadly, my dream at this point is only to get out of debt and have a peaceful vastly less stressful life (without all the constant attacks) until the end, as well as see some fruits from my many prayers for others; but apparently this is too much to hope for in this life. BUT I still hold out hope for this or at for the "Light" to go off and show me where I am wrong and that there has been much more fruit in my life than I see.

As I am now in the Autumn of my life, I still hear complaining for others (as young as 19) about how "tough" life is, while I only wish I could go back to this time of my life and make decisions about ME for a change.
In those days I went to college, worked 40 hours per week plus sold Crystal on the side as a Princess House Representative. Later as I started my business, I often worked 80 hours per week at it, plus worked swap-meets to raise extra capital and gain business exposure, HOWEVER all this work has been for not since it is long gone.

When I add up all the $$ losses in my attempt to "Do the Right Thing" this comes to a current life time loss of $336,000!!
HERE IS HOW IT BREAKS DOWN:

*Loss of Business (due to liquidation) for sale to show my ex (Tris) my love for her over my business- $40,000

*Loss of income for at least 4 years caused by dumping my largest and most prestigious client to show support of my employee over money (I went from a net take home income of $60,000 per year to $25,000)- $140,000
I also believe this caused anguish for my wife due to not having $ to support her the way she was used to; I base this on tracking of all the debts she secretly ran up trace back to this time.

*Loss of $36,000 spent in my dream of being a commercial pilot that was basically thrown down the toilet (I would love to get this money back). After getting as far as my Multi-Engine License, I dropped out to help my wife with my first child as she could not deal with the stress full time. I generally was the person who took her on drives & to my parents, as well I was up late much of the time with her.

*The $80,000 run up by my wife and the person that took advantage of her postpartum depression up to our move to Oregon

*The $40,000 loss from the couple who took advantage of my trust and kindness
(This does not includes the 1000s of hours of otherwise productive time I could have spent for me or my business ventures, if only simply to earn extra money as I often did via recycling cardboard or containers)

This post though is not about money, I mostly use this to make a point about how much time & money I have spent for others, only not realize my dreams and hopes.
I would still do much for those I love such as my wife Jodie and my kids (as well as friends), but the constant nightmares, feeling sick, constant pain from Neuropathy, and lack of intimacy from my wife (it would be nice to feel desired just once in my life) makes me look back and wonder why.
The tears I shed in private and late at night often simply do not help either.

Where is God/Jesus in Harmful Rumors

Where is God/Jesus in Harmful Rumors; Often Perpetuated by Christians (or those claiming to be Christians)?

I also have a related post from this blog from almost two year ago:
“The Triumph of Evil” How others believe rumors and look away from wrongs where I reference my favorite secular quote:
“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”


This is a question I often ask myself, sometimes when deeply depressed in makes me question God himself, although I know full well that God/Jesus is not at the root of this problem that has so deeply hurt my family many times over the years.

Although it is clear from reading the bible in context that God expects all Christians to be his ambassadors here on earth, however we often fail him and then others in failing God.
The Book of Job is a clear example where so-called friends of Job falsely accused Job and eventually were judged by God for this.
Often it is Christians that do not truly seek God’s Word or follow his clear directions about loving our Neighbor as our self, however the Bible is also clear that sometimes there are those among us who pretend to be Christians and are actually “wolves in sheep’s clothing”. In fact Matthew 7:20 makes it clear: Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.

A good example is a person that constantly spread rumors about me and another good friend I worked with, I found much evidence (including others who came forward) that he was the primary source. Even today, he hides behind a banner of claiming to be a Christian, yet has yet to come forward to “set things right”. As well comments about others (including our ex-president Bush) show his either hatred for those who are persons of conviction, or simply his ignorance. Sadly those around him fall for his charismatic personality (this guy could sell air conditioners to Eskimos).

For me and others he and those he has convinced by his false Christian rumors it has made our walk with the Lord stumble, often during difficult times, not that we should get our self esteem from others, but as I noted earlier that other Christians are the mouth piece of Good.
See the parable of the Good Samaritan, Luke 10: 25-37
My Thoughts, Standing for Truth; the Good Samaritan

Sadly this person and a good friend he convinced knew some of what I and others he trashed had been through, but that did not seem to count in the end. As well while his then fiancé may have known some of “my story” they still in reality knew little and much of what I feared in premonitions came through in an unspeakably evil way in February 2009, but to him this was simply an inconvenience.
See: Gods Answer to a my Prayers through a very evil situation

Of coarse I am not without blame either, as I saw through him immediately, but for the sake of his fiancé supported him when (as his then boss) should have fired him as it was not only was obvious that he was a “pot stirrer”, but simply a lazy employee that often would pass the buck for his own mistakes (later he constantly attempted via different methods to trip me up with upper management and other employees).
This mistake on my part in the end not only bit me in the butt personally, but also hurt my employer and another friend that worked there as well.
So the lesson for me is to trust in the Lord and always see the best in others and help them as stated in Matt. 10:25-37, but to also trust the discernment the Lord gives me and realize that it is not I that can help fix things/others, but the Lord working through me (with an emphasis on the Lord first and me second).

One might ask; Why am I still bringing this up or hanging on to this hurt?
This is a good and a fair question.

For one I have followed the precepts of Matt. 10:25-37 for much of my life (even before accepting Christ as my Savior). However I have been much maligned, sadly mostly by Christians (or those who claimed to be). This has simply been a battle for me much of my life and since the Bible is clear as to as to how he expects us to act to others if we are truly his, it still leaves me scratching my head and struggling at times with my Christian walk.
As with Job’s friends I know God can also speak to us directly (or send a messenger as with Nathan the Prophet in exposing David’s sin in his affair with Bathsheba and having her husband killed), so the fact that he and others around him have been so cruel in their behavior leaves me rather dry.
I know that God can move us in this way from my friend Bob M., who I renewed friendship that started in LA after God clearly spoke to me that he needed a friend/comfort (I did not even know his phone number, however God provided this to me and upon calling him I found out that his 49 year old wife was dying of cancer).
He since has "returned the favor" when the Lord moved him to call me that very “dark” night in February 2009.

My point is that I know from Bob and others (including a counselor from my church) that while I need to give this up to God, last February 2009 was also proof of who my friends were all the while visibly showing God's Love.
This was proven with letters/testimonials coming in from Los Angeles, the internet (mostly from those I have helped in forums), and from a few others here in Grants Pass (including my other friend that was hurt by this man and his fiancé for believing his lies).

What is even more amazing when you consider all the “bullets” I took for this couple (this list is quite long, and many they are not even aware of that even cost me $), that during this time of the highest need of my family (Feb. 2009) for support from friends that knew the truth, a person that really only knew of me from going to the same church (she ran the daycare) felt the pull of God to find out more about me and to come forward to tell these persons in authority that they were wrong and needed to look at the facts as she did when God called her to investigate this and come along beside me and my family.

Where was this couple during this time???

Sadly she even “un-friended” me at MySpace shortly after this time (for reasons I can only guess considering how her parents “dis” me and my wife and it is obvious that she has run even further from hearing God and knowing the truth and possibly even believed this horrible evil against me and my family).
So she obviously went the other direction than others, and considering their Christian claims while many that wrote testimonials were not even Christians (such as a Buddhist lady that was one of my largest clients in LA after learning of this from Gregg, my old stores service manager who knew my true character).
In fact she met some of these persons when I re-established my business contact in a trip to LA where most went out of their way to meet with me as they respected me and my character (which makes her belief in her fiancés character assassination of me all the more difficult to understand considering their Christian claims)

I guess all I ask is that someone will step up to the plate and listen to God and the truth and let them know how much they are hurting me and my family (my oldest daughter is also VERY confused by their cruel actions).
An apology here as well as listening to what the truth is would certainly go a long way.

Similarly another person (Tammy) I helped that also became public (most is not public), also became fodder for the Christian Rumor mill at our old church in West Covina, California, which helped push the issues that caused us to leave for Oregon in the first place. At least with her, she understands the truth, it is only those looking from the outside in that began these nasty rumors with no basis in fact or even my life long character.
A phone call recently from someone I had not spoken too in many years from this church confirms that I am not alone in this type of treatment and an apology here is likely not forth coming. However, I no longer live in that community so these rumors are not as destructive as the current ones.

Gods Answer to a my Prayers

God’s Answer to a my Prayers through a very evil situation

As I noted briefly in my biography page at my website that in February 2009 our family suffered from a VERY horrible set back that had its roots in what brought us to Oregon in the first place (in fact messages through Google Blogger that were eerily similar to the false charges brought came in Sept. of 2009).
I will not go into the details other than to say many persons were down right evil in how they responded to severe issues my family (& daughter in particular) suffered from and acted on blatant lies.
See this post for more about one contributor to this evil brought upon my family:
My Opinions; DHS, DCS, CPS Abuse of authority
Also see: Carl Strohmeyer, bio, autobiography

Anyway, the purpose of this post is not to go into the details or the negatives of what happened (of which I will only share with those close to me), rather the positives that this has shown me (this does not mean I am going to forget who did what, as God asks us to forgive, but trust is earned. See this verse as well, Matt. 10:16; "See, I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. So be as cunning as serpents and as innocent as doves").

As I have noted in other posts (& readers can choose to believe this or not, but many around me over the years have confirmed this), I have always been spiritually open to both prophesy/ premonitions from God and as well Satan’s minions giving me very dark dreams and premonitions and visions as well (of which I work hard at ignoring my giving these over to the Lord).
This has resulted in many visions that I have seen that have both been awesome in their Godly truth and horrifying in their demonic evil. As a friend I knew back in 2005 observed that I had one such evil premonition when in So. California during a business trip where she accompanied me. This and another dating as back as 1991 both pointed towards what would happen this dark and stormy February night.

Where God/Jesus answer to prayer comes in is that I have been praying for God to release me from bitterness, fear, and more (this bitterness and fear is the result of the cruel and evil incidents throughout my life), as well (& probably more significant), I had been praying for God to show me through others his Love for me and my family as I have felt so very abandoned by others, especially Christian friends that have truly abandoned me. This night in particular, I was returning from LA for my monthly business trip, yet I could not get the feeling out of my head that something was really wrong.
As the day progressed to evening and I entered the mountains north of Redding California, I entered what was arguably the worst winter storm along this part of Interstate 5 in a decade (it took 6 hours to progress on a section that normally takes less than two hours).
After passing many accidents (even 4WD vehicles were crashing do to the VERY heavy snow and total white out), I say a vision that is similar to one I had in 1991 on this EXACT section of highway (this same “character has appeared before in other visions), that told me my family was gone!!

Shortly there after two friends called my cell phone to see how I was (one, Bob Mendoza, felt a compelling need to call me at this time). I did not tell them what I saw as I was trying to not let these types of dark visions over take me. I personally believe God was already at work at this point with these calls.

As I very slowly got closer to home the fear of something wrong grew unbearably difficult to handle, then as I finally was within a block from home I was over taken by fear that something was really wrong and this was realized moments later when I saw my wife’s car gone (& realized my family was missing).
I saw visions/"darkness" in the driveway that I cannot speak of other than every failure in my life was immediately brought before me, "it was over", and much worse; all in less than a second or two.
I could not even pull much more than ¼ of the way into my driveway as what I saw scared me so much.
I jumped out of my truck & collapsed in panic, based on fears and real facts of what could have happened (my daughter has expressed fears of nightmares as well that she/we would be murdered by the person that was the cause of our move to Oregon, as well threatening emails had been sent of late).

This is where God stepped in, via others (not the way I had prayed, but God works in ways best for us, not what we desire).
I did not know that my brother in law Cary and my Sister Jan were waiting outside and immediately picked me up and attempted to comfort me. I do know if I could have even made it through this first night if they were not there and had taken me back to their home to care for me.

Later (much within 24 hours) as more came out about what happened, I saw an outpouring of Love and care from my church that I never had experienced before.
Persons came forward from church (even those I never would have guessed or expected to do this, which shows how I should not judge) to comfort me and help remedy what happened to my family. This included a court hearing to remedy the lies and downright evil that was brought upon my family, where the court room was filled with those in my support.

As well many verses were brought to me either by others or directly from God, in particular this verse was brought to me while in meditation and prayer (I have read it many times before, but its application to me was never clear until this point); Philippians 4:4-9;
"4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!
5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."

In summary, there is still much healing to go, as well many who allowed or brought this evil upon my family have yet to come clean, however for me it has brought about a peace from God that he truly is there during mine and my familys darkest moments.
I have been better able to let go of bitterness and realize that there are persons that God works through, and this not only includes the many here in my local proximity, but as well the many internet friends, especially from members of Everything Aquatic such as John L. (& many others, so please forgive my not mentioning all) that sent VERY moving and touching testimonials to help me through this.
Please see: Everything Aquatic, Aquarium/Pond Forum

Fear still troubles me much, but I have now realized how God/Jesus works in my life, and often not in ways I would prefer, but in ways that makes me grow more as a servant of His and my family.
I saw how my kids were deeply hurt, yet my son Timothy and middle daughter Danielle both have expressed how much our family means to them after this incident (Michelle is still struggling deeply as of writing this post, but she was the most harmed by the previous incident back in LA and deeply suffers from fear and abandonment issues, whether real or imagined).
My wife also had an epiphany that made here realize her part in our family and what she had done. I do not know what happened in how God brought this to her, as she is still struggling and feels she will tell me and others (other than her counselor) when she is ready.