"My Thoughts"

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Why even pray anymore

Why even pray anymore?

After finding out that I will need a surgery for which my family cannot afford,

After finding out more rumors about me in my community that have no basis of fact, all the while continuing to spend 80% of my time helping others either online or often quietly as in the case of a friend of my daughters yet getting nothing but criticism,

After a person via myspace basically rubbed my nose in his aquatic business success with his new home and $1000s of dollar aquarium of which not one penny went my way for my help

After a week of nightmares of all my failures,

After giving up my dream of becoming an airline pilot so as to spend more time to care of my family (which I already spent much time) after spending $35,000 and progressing all the way to my Multi-Engine License

After knowing that God made me look the way I do, a skinny little man that most see as either gay or a pervert based on this (I know this to be true based on many comments that found their way back to me and even a couple of letters of my wife to the person that took advantage of her after my son’s birth),

After knowing that I have always treated women/girls with respect, even in high school when the only girl truly interested in my was because I showed her kindness while she was being mercilessly teased, I refused to use this as an opportunity to take advantage of her even though others said I should, YET I am looked at as someone that helps women only to get "into their pants"

After opening my home and wallet to many in need (most often quietly in secret), only to be ridiculed as to my intention or ignoring my family (neither of which is remotely true)

After even being ridiculed for picking up cans in off hours by local businessman in my community (and writing a letter to the editor of my local newspaper to only see it go unpublished)
Reference: Shame on the Grants Pass Courier

After praying fervently for those that I helped but later turned on me based on rumors and I have tried to get them to know what really happened but they seem uninterested in knowing the truth,

After a possible investor in my business that thought I had a great website, but then could not believe the low revenue stated that they thought we were much larger based on what they saw and could not find an explanation for this (mind you this was a large corporation that specializes in finding up and coming businesses),

After a click through rate on my web site adverts of 10% below national average

After knowing the day I am not going to pay back all the $100s I have borrowed just to stay in our crap hole of a house that is a fire trap and uses $400 per month just to heat in the winter for 900 square feet

After knowing this is the tearful week that I had to place my daughter on a plane to get her away from a person and situation that meant her and my family harm and took $80,000 from us that we did not even have (it was credit)

After also knowing that next month is when we had to leave our home and live in a Camper for 18 months for which most around us label me a failure,

After leaving LA, not one friend bothered to call or see us off

After knowing what my teacher for both the 4th and 6th grade said about me,

After my thoughts and many others that feel following God’s Word and honesty prayers seemed to go unheard on election day,

WHERE IS GOD, and maybe I am the failure everyone thinks I am

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